Jon Pollard / A Life Without
prologue
Sometime in May 2016, after a losing battle with managed reductions and counselling, I made the decision to take a controlled medically assisted detox.
I had been a heavy drinker for more years than I care to remember and for various reasons had decided that now was the time to stop. I thought It may be a cathartic process to write down my thoughts and feelings leading up to the detox, I then decided if I was going to go to all that bother why not make it into a blog? I had written in the past about caring for my mother who had dementia and found the whole process very helpful. If I could talk about detox and alcoholism and maybe start a little discussion, then my ramblings may help others as well as myself. I wrote the initial post and deliberated for ages before actually getting the courage to press publish. I`m so glad I did. Here are the initial two posts with some thoughts from around the time they were written. Hope you find them interesting, I`ll hopefully follow up with more like this till you are all up to date with where I am now.
Post 1: Detox
Sunday, 12 June 2016
I have recently made what I hope will be a massive life changing decision. After long discussions with loved ones, friends and professionals I have decided to say farewell to something that has been a huge part of my life for more years than I care to remember.
Alcohol.
Through good times and bad it has been there for me. An escape to a different place, boosting my confidence and making my problems disappear. It’s been a crutch for my depression and anxiety issues and helped me to be the wonderful person I am at parties.
Hold on, I need to rewrite that last paragraph.
My ability to control my addiction has dragged me into many a dark place. Hiding behind its veil gives a temporary short lived feeling of wellbeing with the side effect of impacting my mental issues and turning me into the dribbling idiot I can so easily become.
That’s a bit better.
So, starting on 27th of this month I will be entering into a supervised at home detox. I’ve been advised not to try on my own as there is a very real chance of fitting as I withdraw. It seems I need 24/7 supervision for the first few days just in case.
To be honest, I`m not that scared about the detox itself. My councillors are amazingly reassuring that a properly supervised and medicated detox is a fairly straight forward and well proven procedure. Fine, after a week or so on the meds I`ll be alcohol free for probably the first time in over 20 years. That’s when the fun starts I suppose. I have been imagining myself in various situations, family parties, restaurants and the like and find it so hard to picture myself without a pint in my hand. That’s partly why I have decided to write this. A bit of a crutch if you like. When I was caring for my mother I wrote a blog about my experiences and found it very helpful, so here we go again.
Also, as a side-line, if my experiences can help anyone in a similar position then that’s a good thing too. I intend to publish a few posts on the run up to the detox then a daily update for the period of it. Hopefully putting things down on here will help me focus on the job at hand.
If you have any experience of alcohol or other detox, please feel free to share. If we can get a bit of a discussion going all the better, it`ll certainly help me out and maybe others too.
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Author’s Note
This was my very first post. It took a lot of courage to hit the “publish” button on this one. There was no turning back from here. Once family, friends and acquaintances read this my whole story was out there for all to see. I had always been a big drinker, but I suppose I was what you might call a “High functioning alcoholic” I had for many years managed to maintain my career and my alcohol intake. I suppose I was seen as a bit of a lad, life and soul of the party type, but a bit of a pisshead. This post took it all out into the open. I had a problem, a disease as I now know it is but coming out was a real struggle. I don’t know why this should be this way. If I had contracted cancer or some such then I`d have no problem talking about it. Alcoholism is a very misunderstood disease. The common misconception of an “alcy” being a broken down old tramp drinking cider and pissing themselves in the local park could not be further from the mark. Alcoholics exist in all walks of life. Successful businessmen, celebrities, politicians, people from all walks of life can be alcoholic. Just the more money you have the nicer booze you can get and better surroundings to drink it in.
Anyway, I had taken the plunge, published the blog and mentioned it on social media in the hope that someone may actually read it. Read it they did. Massive responses via Facebook, Twitter and the blog itself spurred me on. Two days later came the second post.
Post 2: D-13 and Counting
Tuesday, 14 June 2016
A quick update.
Not long to go and starting to feel a little nervous.
Meeting with my counsellor today. Discussed a few concerns about before, during and after detox.
My major concern is the Sunday before we start. The last beer I open on that Sunday night may well be my last ever. How the hell do I treat opening and drinking what may well be my last one? No definitive answer on this question at the moment but the favourite is to have an evening of real old time favourites. Not about getting the units down me but taking the nerves away by celebrating a soon to be departed friend, and enemy.……Any thoughts?
We had a little chat about this blog, we both think it could be beneficial to myself and also others in a similar situation, so will press on for a while.
We also cleared up a thing or two about the actual process involved in a detox. What drugs are involved? Where and when do I get them? Who is responsible for making sure they are administered correctly? Are there any possible side effects? (More about this soon)
The period after the detox will hopefully be aided by a “group”
I joined a “group”
I have always struggled with “groups”
Sitting in a small room with a load of weird people all trying to outdo each other with tales of their problems…How the hell can that help anyone?
Well, as usual, I was wrong. I was probably the weirdest of the lot, and we discussed coping strategies and other buzzwords. As first meetings go it was fairly encouraging. I shall go back next week and see how it goes. More on this as it progresses.
Also had a meeting with a real life newspaper reporter, but that’s another story for another day.
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Author’s Note
This was the second post. D-13. Thirteen days till the start of my detox. At this point I was doing two things that had for years gone totally against the grain. Talking to a councillor and also taking part in a group session. Both of which I had tried before and found to be to relatively useless. Maybe in the past the time wasn’t right, or maybe the people weren’t right for me. This time it was really all starting to make sense. I was finding both sessions very helpful. Dispelling fears and offering solutions to a lot of problems I thought I would be facing. Also letting me know that a lot of problems weren’t actually problems just obstacles I had been putting in the way of my recovery either through lack of motivation or even fear on my part.
I was learning what would actually be involved in the process of the detox itself, I had to have 24/7 supervision for the first couple of days as there is a real risk of fitting or seizures. Luckily my wife Sarah managed to secure time off for this. I would be treated with Librium. Initially a very high dose on the first day which would gradually reduce over a 10-day period by when the dangers of any adverse physical reactions to the detox would be minimised. I would receive a daily visit from the nurse supervising to check blood pressure and general wellbeing. Talk about any symptoms I may be feeling and also to breathalyse me to ensure that I was sticking to the plan. We would also discuss further and ongoing medication for after the completion of the period of Librium treatment. Things were starting to get a little real. This shit was actually going to happen.
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The above posts originally appeared on Jon’s Blog in a slightly different format and without the updates included here.
Jon Pollard
I have recently made what I hope will be a massive life changing decision. After long discussions with loved ones, friends and professionals I have decided to say farewell to something that has been a huge part of my life for more years than I care to remember.
Alcohol.
I write about it here and on my blog: A Life Without