Awesome night at the Lucky Rabbit with Sam and Amanda, who plied me with white wines.
Drove home when I probably shouldn’t have and am now eating coconut ice cream in bed in my undies, feeling lonely and sad.
Sam said that:
a) Rob is on his kill list (love Sam) and
b) that he—Rob—must have projected because HE felt too attached.
To which I say, HOW COULD ANYONE BE SO SELF UNAWARE? Then again, I told Rob that I didn’t want a relationship and am now eating ice cream in my undies being sad. So you never fucking know what anyone really thinks.
What a dipshit. This could have been his! This ice-cream-devouring sex beast in falling-apart underpants! I am a fucking PRIZE! I deserve and receive love every minute of the goddamn day, as my morning You Are a Badass affirmations confirm.
But no matter what, I am still really hurting. Maybe he’s shagging some yoga chick. Maybe she digs receding hairlines. That’s mean, but I had to say it. Also, Sam said that Dutch people are weird.
I’ve been in bed all morning, half sleeping, half crying. Because:
a) if he really cared, he would have gotten in touch by now, and
b) if someone like Rob doesn’t care about me, I can’t be worth all that much.
I know. I KNOW. It’s not reality and it’s not Badass in any way. I also just had an exchange with a douchy guy on Tinder, where he didn’t ask me a single question about myself aside from where on The Island am I, and then on Bumble, where I didn’t realize he was the same dude (different photos). I asked him if he had 3 superpowers what would they be, and he said, “we’re past that, we’d already met on Tinder.” Which felt like:
a) I was being shamed, and
b) WHERE IS YOUR GODDAMN SENSE OF IMAGINATION JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION.
I’ve been trying since yesterday to write a blog post about this. But how can I? What do I say? How I met a guy who tried to kiss me while I was on my motorbike in the parking lot of a Mexican restaurant and I pushed him away because I was trying to be celibate and also wasn’t attracted to him? And then, for the next few weeks, he grew on me but I wasn’t sure if it was just him or the feeling of fucking mattering to someone? But we had fun together and even though he had some really annoying traits, I slept with him? And then on our second night together he was like, I think you’re getting too attached?
How the fuck am I supposed to go public about that?
Anyway, I know why this happened. It was to lead me to SLAA. Which I am sure as shit not going to blog about.
Anyway, I’d better get going, I’m off to meet Courtney from my SLAA group for coffee because I’m hoping she gets where I am and also because if I don’t put on some clothes and get vertical I will sink into a pit of despair.
Adeline is a writer, entrepreneur, meditator, volunteer and enthusiastic digital nomad. She’s written for international publications and television networks. She believes in the power of community, compassion and carbohydrates.
Adeline Geller is a pseudonym.