April 28, 2016
Today is day 31 and I woke up feeling despondent as fuck.
I'm in that awkward transition stage where I'm not getting invited to the things I used to be included in—sobriety is always met with surface approval but seems to freak some people the fuck out. Like I've suddenly become a social risk; the irony being I was much more of a social risk when klapping (hitting) the sauce.
I once woke up on a plane to Brisbane after what was meant to be a quiet evening with a few friends, trading witticisms over pretentiously priced wine. Because expensive wine removes the hobo from the alco, right? Point is I have done some terrifically dumb, dangerous and shitty things when drinking—no one should miss that version of me.
So I was feeling shitty this morning as I downloaded your latest podcast, only to hear my name mentioned! I know this sounds ridiculous but I immediately jumped on your site and I was thrilled you published my letter (Sober AF in SA).
It made me feel like less of a leper. It actually made me feel great.
I told you I went to my first AA meeting. As I said it was pretty cool. I went 20mins early and left 20mins after (as you guys have discussed). After the meeting I was sidelined by a well meaning woman. She spoke at Road Runner pace about how I shouldn't use soy sauce anymore because it has booze in it (?!?), that Italians eat bees (that may not be entirely accurate; her verbal speed was astounding) and that I should going to meetings at lunch and after work. I explained our industry doesn't really do lunch hours and that I often work late, but that I would do my best.
This did not fly with Anti Soy; thunderclouds weighed heavy on her brow as she stated plainly I could make it happen if it was actually important to me. This line was laced with judgement and I swear to crisis she actually took a step back to look me up and down whilst saying it. I wanted to punch her.
But there was also this really cool older guy who ran the group, positively covered in signs of a thoroughly lived life. Alas, as you guys discussed, it may not be a good idea for me to cross the gender barrier to find a sponsor, which sucks because this guy was funny as hell.
My point is I am yet to find my tribe I guess.
I'll meeting shop as you guys suggested.
Anyway thanks for publishing my letter. It gave me a weird sense of belonging. And I mean that in the least creepy way possible.